Hm...after talking to Zibin today, I realised that perhaps there are still some guys who are not jerks. I believe you are one of them too. But I'm so afraid that NS may toughen you up and make you really hard-hearted. It's a really big risk that I'm taking.

You said that you will not give up the 2 years of relationship if we manage to last right? Does that mean you foresee us getting married and stuffs? As in seriously, if nothing bad happens you hope that we will get married and stuffs? 10 years down the road, can u imagine us living together and tolerating our differences?
Hmm...think about this, if after 2 years u never give up the relationship cos you feel that you can't let me down after I have waited for u for 2 years, then that is not love at all.

I know that I am thinking too far into the future again. But you know I really really don't want to invest my all and then get heartbroken again. I really want a relationship that will work out well. I know there may be cases when it might not be entirely your fault e.g. sld u lose the feeling and get tempted by another girl who chases you in uni. Think of it, if that happens how am I supposed to feel? After waiting for 2 years, such external conditions set in and no amount of apologies can make up for the lost 2 years. There will be no point staying together if that happens. And I'm really worried it will happen.

Hmm...naturally I know that no relationship is a guaranteed success. Alot of hard work and devotion must be involved. No matter who I meet in uni, there will still be chances of failure. I think that the reason why I'm thinking so far ahead is because I really want to make sure this works out because the consequences of it not working out in unbearable. We might just lose a wonderful "friend". I wana try and foresee the future so that if things don't seem to be on our side, then we should withdraw now while the feelings are not that deep. I know that as I said, no matter who I meet in uni, there will still be chances of failure. But somehow, I just feel that army is a quite a big contributing factor of a failure. Hmm, sometimes I just wish that I can have somebody who can truly take care of me and tend to my needs. Afterall, I'm still a girl. I'm not sure also whether I will be tempted by older guys in uni. All I know is that it's the most jerky thing to do to break up with somebody for somebody else. I really hope I won't be the jerk one day. I guess sometimes I just want the freedom to date other guys. That's not to say I want to flirt around and stuffs. I just want to experience the feeling of going out with a few different guys before I truly settle down.

That's the conflict that I'm facing now. Before we became official, I know that I can date other guys freely and stuffs. However I was not in a relationship then to truly experience the feeling of commitment. Now that I am, I can picture things better. That's the reason why all these conflicts are surfacing now. They have become more real to me than last time.

You know despite all my uncertainties and questions, I still really like you. You are a really nice guy. You know, talking to you really helps to improve things. Communication. Whenever I talk to you on the phone, I feel so much closer to you. Do you know that I am really happy to know that I need not wait 9 days to see you? I'm really looking forward to Sunday. I think I shall just rid my minds of all these what ifs and hows and simply occupy my mind with the thought of seeing you on Sunday. =D

It will be another 9 days before I will see you again. There are many thoughts inside of me that I'm unable to let you know due to the lack of time for a proper colloquy. Hence I'm writing down all these. My feelings may vary from time to time but if I don' t record them down now, I might just forget. Anyway, I'm making everything really transparent now.

To be honest with you, I was feeling really pessimistic about things last night. I just hate the restriction feeling. I talked to Gil and Felix on icq last night and they managed to sort out some of my thoughts. Below is part of the msg from Felix:

"i told u b4...it is diff now..u are taking a step beyond friendship....so u have to bear the consequences of it....and beside like i said. dont dwell on it..move on...can regret u know..
i am on good terms with several gal friends..till the point i can tok cock and rot with them..
pursuing a relationship with them or them puruing relationship with me was on our tots b4...but like wat we think...once we got into bgr, things will be diff..we are no longer buddies..there is certainly a barrier in wat we do or tok cos we are now a couple, mutual respects and TLC muz be there..the kind of respect and TLC in friendship are diff..so we gave it up so we remained as what we are and yeah buddies which i enjoyed truely..

so what i said above to my experience boil down to one thing..expect changes and accept it...don't dwell on it...living in past which u said u wun..if someting is wrong...communicate with him..after all, that is the basis of relationship..communciate and work it out..feel more at peace within yourself and be fair to other party..."

"how ns dudes feel when gf left them? despair? sad? felt ns is the main factor..well i agreed with them..i c many cases and i have trainees toking to me abt their pro..mst left them becos they met better guys and also the new guys can provide them the quality and quanity time the gals need..and much of the TLC that u gals need...seriously it takes great effort to maintain a relatinonship...both must play their part..the guys got insecurity,fatigue and their other social circle to deal with over the weekend and they also must spend time with gf..how to do with onli 2 daes? "

I realised I forgot to consider another thing - you might not stray when you go uni but other girls may like you and go after you. And you are the type not to chase girls but you don't mind girls chasing you. Another advice I got was "you should not stay faithful for the sake of not letting him down".

I have been thinking alot nowadays. I realised one thing - I am still afraid to love. I like you but I cannot bring myself to love you. or anyone. Sometimes I wonder, though we really like each other, is it necessary that we move things forward? Seriously, the level of "mutual respect and tlc' are different.

I'm afraid that it will be a roller-coaster ride for me. When I don't see you, I will feel quite pessimistic. But once we go out and stuffs, I think I do let down my emotional guard unintentionally. I feel that perhaps I had over-loosened my emotional guard last week.

By the way...You know, I really feel quite happy to get your msg during the day. I feel remembered. =)

(Sorry if this blog is dampening.)

Sigh. I wish we have more time to talk. Dunno leh, things feel different now with the status of attached. It's like there's really this sense of commitment. I feel that we must communicate more often and grow together and stuffs. In the past, i'm not that bothered by it but things are kinda different though i try not to alter things.
I feel kinda restricted in a way. It's like i feel tied down. I know i must be devoted n i know tt i sldn't limit my life to only you alone since we are really at this age when we discover new friendships. That's the conflict I'm facing.

arloe again!
You know I feel like 22nd Jan again. It's almost the same feeling again. You don't really have much time to talk to me, you are just settling in and feeling sian. And I don't know whether you can call me as well as when I can see you.

Anyway one of my colleagues teased me today. The other colleague we met that day at orchard told her about it and they accused me of not telling them. heh. Then i had to explain myself. Anyway she said that I looked very happy and radiant today. I didn't really realised that actually. Hehe.

I just had a fun sisterly talk with my sister just now. I told her about you. Then we started joking about our future houses. I said that she can live in the shed of my big house with her husband and she can be my maid while her husband can be my husband's chueffeur(dunno how to spell! argh!) or garderer. Hehe.

That's about all now. =)

hello...been thinking of u alot the whole day. Today is the first day of your ocs training. I wonder how you are. Are you adjusting well to the new life? Do you like your new bunkmates and buddy? Will you meet Boaz and Felix? Hehe.

Well well, 10 months will pass fairly quickly. =)

Bleah! You know I really feel comfortable talking to you =) love ya dear =)