hello! i have not written here for a long time. Anyway, i really like my job alot. The working hours, location, working environment and pay are perfect! Hm..i think one plus point about the waitressing job is that i learn to appreciate nice things when they come my way. At the restaurant, i used to be really enthusiatic about the job. But along the way, i realised that it's a really brainless job where i get ordered around. I will just start to wonder: why am i working so hard for a mere 5.40/hr? An educated person like me can easily find better job offers. Anyway, i'm really glad that i found a new job. I enjoy being a personal assistant to jonathan. The people inside are so far quite nice. I enjoy being the feeling of working independently and the work is relatively flexible. Also, i get to improve my english. i just hope that when the chance to relief teach arises, i will not mess it up. After stepping out of jc, i realised that education is really important and can open up many windows. Without a good education, i will be like one of those waitresses. Education is also a lucrative and recession-proof industry. i don't mind working at the tuition centre in future, but naturally i will be more sheltered than other people. But then again, i think that facing the books everyday can be boring. oh well, i'm hard to please. I really really want to work in the tourism industry. i enjoy reading about tourism. However tourism is a service industry. So is waitressing. Perhaps i can get a high post in the tourism industry where i need not endure the temperament of others. Today, i saw the advertisement for SIA flight steward. I was considering it for a while. Hm..i guess circumstances do not allow me to be one.

Today, i came back early. The director told me to deliver some cheques to the CCK and then Jurong branch. He said the company will pay for the fare and i can then take the cab back. I think this company is quite a good company. One can never imagine that a tuition centre actually operates in the same manner as a business office. We have to wear theose blazars and one-inch high court shoes. The HQ(education side) is on the third level while the classrooms(operation sides) are on the second floor. i'm on the third level. i feel like i'm working in those big corporations where the higher your office is, the higher is your post. haha! I'm willing to work hard consistenly this time because i like the job. =) Because i like the job, i display a smile rather frequently. I do not feel the sianness as i did while doing the waitressing job. In the waitressig job, i enjoy serving customers. i just don't like the naggy and bossy nature of the captains.

Today, the instructor directed me to the his camp- Kranji camp. That place looks so nice, just like a chalet. I made a three-point u-turn at the small road besides it. heh. I enjoy taking the car out to explore new places. This will be one of the first thing that i will do when i have a car. I will drive to inaccessible places and places with small roads to explore. I really really love sight-seeing. =p

Today, i chatted with the taxi-driver because i was in a good mood. He is a cynical guy who told me not to trust anyone. I think i'm wierd. I trusted him when i left my belongings in the taxi as i went out to pass the cheques. On the other hand, i do not trust people with my secrets and thoughts. I have yet to comprehend myself. I think he is right in the sense that people are not exactly to be trusted. I think that there are trustable friends out there but i still cannot bring myself to trust people. I really don't know why i'm like that. Hm...i realised that people don't exactly want to listen. People enjoy telling others about their problems and thoughts but they do not like to hear about your own problems and thoughts. This is one of the reasons why i choose to keep my own thoughts to myself and this blog. Moreover, i feel paiseh telling pple about my own thoughts and feelings cos i always feel that they are not interested. Perhaps they just do not know what to say. I just have to keep my own thoughts and feelings to myself cos firstly i don't trust anyone and secondly, there's no one who is genuinely interested in listening.

Sometimes, i really wonder whether i can find that person whom i can really trust. Maybe i might meet one in uni but i'm afraid that by then, the door to and from my heart would be fully closed and locked. The key to my heart will be gone too. I feel so lonely sometimes. i'm so afraid to open up my heart to like somebody totally. i think i have really lost the courage to love again. I want to love somebody once more but i don't dare to. Right now, i don't even dare to wade in the baby pool. I can only dip my feet into the water and remain at the surface level. i'm really really afraid. Will i ever get back the courage to love again?

u know after u left for army the first time, i wrote a poem. it's a really lousy one. i felt quite shattered that time. i can't remember how the poem goes and i actually posted it on my icq info for a while. hmm i just remembered it. don't laugh at me...i'm not a literary person.

My eyes were closed
I couldn't see you
Till you were gone

My heart was shut
I couldn't feel you
Till you were gone

i don't know how to continue anymore but it was exactly how i felt when i realised that i had fallen for u unknowingly.....

i miss u.....

hm...it's 12.10am now. u r in camp sleeping soundly now. i tried to call u at 9 to wish u bye but u switched off ur phone. just hope that u can the voice messsages that i left. time really passed very fast n i'm thankful for the time we spent together for the past 3 days. u r right...maybe u sldn't be so smart. i still rem this email thingie about life lessons- 'i realised that u sldn't be too eager to find out a secret. it could change ur life forever'. i don't know if our life ihas changed for the better or for the worst. we are neither here nor there. hm...at least i don't feel so awful bottling up those feelings anymore.

u know u look really good with ur toned body, esp ur arms. i like to touch ur arm. so nice to touch! grin! n smile more cos u have a nice smile. =)

u know right, i was hoping to watch lord with u. i turned down kwanhua n kianz when they asked me to watch cos we kinda agreed to watch together before u went to south africa. i had no special feelings for u back then but there was a hao3 gan3. i felt quite disappointed and kinda cheated when u told me u watched liao. but it's really okie now. =)
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u know something. i'm scared to like u too much. i'm really really scared. i really don't want to get hurt again. at this stage, it's so easy for ur feelings to fluctuate. i will have absolutely no confidence to like somebody again sld i like u too much but u simply lose the feelings one day. i'm trying very hard to control my feelings but it's my heart that feels...

u know...that's exactly how i feel also. things are most probably not going to work out if we move forward but if we move backward we might drift apart. but we can't stay stagnant forever.... as i was walking home just now, all i could think of was what to do with our current situation. shall we just spend the next 12 days as strangers and see how the feeling goes? let's try and forget the feelings and devote our energy on other things in our life, such as u n army and me n work. in the most idealistic situation, we will still remain v close friends but with no more special feeling when we meet up again after 12 days. in the worst situation, one-sided feelings will result....that hurts...

hmm...let's perhaps not meet up tmr. during these 12 days, maybe we can try and forget the feelings ya? i don't want to get hurt again and neither do u, so moving forward is not going to be possible. it's still better to drift apart slightly now than to drift apart totally, which will most likely to happen if we move forward. i know it's sad but life can be sad at times...