hello...it's 11.30 on the 2nd of feb. i'm so tired, woke up at 10. been thinking about him the whole morning. i'm really fan n tired. i don't dare to let him see the blog but i wana see his blog. but reading each other's blog is going to alter everything, especially when he reads mine. hmm actually i find tt the intensity is not as great as last week when he just left. but then again, i won't really know cos he haven gone back yet. why did i allow myself to like somebody again!?

Ooh, yeah
Never be the same again

I call you up whenever things go wrong
Youíre always there
You are my shoulder to cry on
I canít believe it took me quite so long
To take the forbidden step
Is this something that I might regret?

(Come on, on)
Nothing ventured nothing gained
(You are the one)
A lonely heart that canít be tamed
(Come on, come on)
Iím hoping that you feel the same
This is something that I canít forget

I thought that we would just be friends
Things will never be the same again
Itís just the beginning itís not the end
Things will never be the same again
Itís not a secret anymore
Now weíve opened up the door
Starting tonight and from now on
Weíll never, never be the same again
Never be the same again

Now I know that we were close before
Iím glad I realised I need you so much more
And I donít care what everyone will say
Itís about you and me
And weíll never be the same again

I thought that we would just be friends (oh yeah)
Things will never be the same again (Never be the same again)
Itís just the beginning itís not the end (Weíve only just begun)
Things will never be the same again
Itís not a secret anymore
Now weíve opened up the door (Opened up the door)
Starting tonight and from now on
Weíll never, never be the same again
Never be the same again

Nite and day
Black beach sand to red clay
The US to UK
NYC to LA
From sidewalks to highways
See itíll never be the same
What Iím sayiní
My mind frame never changed ëtil you came rearranged
But sometimes it seems completely forbidden
To discover those feelings that we kept so well hidden
Where thereís no competition
And you render my condition
Though improbable itís not impossible
For a love that could be unstoppable
But wait. A fine lineís between fate and destiny
Do you believe in the things that were just meant to be?
When you tell me the stories of your quest for me
Picturesque is the picture you paint effortlessly
And as our energies mix and begin to multiply
Everyday situations, they start to simplify
So things will never be the same between you and I
We intertwined our life forces and now weíre unified

I thought that we would just be friends
Things will never be the same again
Itís just the beginning itís not the end
Things will never be the same again

Itís not a secret anymore
Now weíve opened up the door
Starting tonight and from now on
Weíll never, never be the same again (Come on, come on)
Thingís will never be the same again (You are the one)

Never be the same again
Itís not a secret any more
Weíll never be the same again
Itís not a secret any more
Weíll never be the same again
Never be the same again
Never be the same again
Never be the same again
Never be the same again


i heard the song today on radio...will we ever become like tt? i don't know. i really must not like him. u know i'm really afraid tt if he knows i like him then everything will change. it's impossible to feel the same way again. we can't be the close friends like last time. this is so fan. why did i allow myself to like somebody again? hmm i just told kian the reason why i never like him in the past. i guess i do owe him an explanation. i didn't open up my heart and get to know him better. hmm i'm glad tt i apologise to him also.

fan fan fan. i sld go sleep now...tmr will be a brand new day. i hope tt when i wake up, i can find a solution to the problem. sld i let him see the blog????!!! it's going to be so so terrible if he sees my blog and know tt i like him and then i see his blog and realise tt he has nil feelings for me. if i let him see, i wish tt we will have ample time to talk about it. but then again ...argh i want to forget about him! sld i just tell him how i feel and then hmm severe all forms of contact with him. argh that will be so cruel n sad. if i say, the feelings n closeness will be different liao. things might get awkward. i'm kinda dying for him to know cos it sucks to bottle up my feelings. on the other hand, i know tt if i tell him then things will really never be the same again. we might not be able to talk and play with each other like the past. what to do?!?!?!?!

it's 3am on the second of feb 2003. i just got home. not feeling really tired, kinda sian though.
we went out today to eat long john at jec, then met up to go pubbing at embargo. it's really quite funny when we were deciding what to do cos we are amateurs.
then we ordered the drinks and he paid for my drink. hmm...actually come to think of it, it's quite a memorable gesture to rem cos it's the first time i go pubbing officially and it's with him. i felt abit funny half-way. darn my threshold for alcohol is really small. it's really quite nice to sip the drinks and look out at the sea.
then we walked to boat quay tt side and ended sitting down someone along the river. left at 2. hmm...on the taxi ride back, i felt abit sian. it may be the last time tt we do such things together..

actually 50% of me was hoping tt we can sorta like clear up our feelings kinda thing. but i don't want to be the one to initiate it, cos it's going to be so embarassing when it turns out to be one-sided. hmm most prob it's one-sided lah. i feel kinda sian now. sian sian sian. one side of me kinda like him but the other side tells me not to venture into the relationship n tt i sld just severe ties with him to end the suffering. i hate this.

i realise i don't trust anybody and i'm getting more and more private and closed-up. hmm...i don't think i really have any best friend cos i don't really trust anyone. i'm still waiting for tt someone to turn up, someone tt i can really trust and reveal all my private thoughts to. i know tt when i find him, i will tell him every of my thoughts and feelings. he will be someone i trust completely and totally. today i realised tt i have really changed alot. in the past i used to be so idealistic, simple-minded, soft-hearted and open about my feelings. but now i realised tt i was quite a fool in the past. i don't know how come i have evolved so much. i find that i cannot trust pple tt easily. there are alot of things and feelings that i hide inside. i may tell other pple certain things but they are not totally my innnermost thoughts and feelings. sigh......the barrier around me has really changed me alot. sherman created the barrier while joseph widened it.i don't blame them cos it's my fault for allowing the barrier in the first place. i just wished tt i can have someone tt i can trust in completely. i really really want to reveal all the things i have bottled up over the past few years. but i can't. cos i haven found the person yet.
i realised also that i used to care about pple and things alotalotalot last time. but along the way, some pple in cool_heads have failed me, sherman and joseph also. now alot of things don't matter to me anymore. i have been desensitised along the way. sometimes i hate myself for being so bochup about some things. but in a way it's gd cos i won't feel true sadness... neither will i feel true happiness. but at least being bochup about certain things n pple have given me more confidence and make my life slightly happier cos i no longer have to worry about pple's opinions of me.

argh...somtimes i just want to immerse myself in my work and not care about anyone at all. i just want to really dedicate myself to the work and stop thinking about the world and about him. it's bad to escape from reality but reality hurts.

3.30 now...very sian. i dun feel like doing any visitng with cool_heads tmr. hmm just now we were talking about allowing each other to see our own blog. i don't know whethere i sld let him know before he goes back to camp so that we have ample time to talk about it. but then again, i know that it's impossible so what's the pt of allowing him to c. i'm so fan now. i know tt the only way for me to forget about him is to cut off all ties with him or i'm 100% sure tt he dosen like me at all. arghhh...i sld just go and sleep. really tired now...

hello...i'm back. it's 11am 1st feb 2003...first day of cny. well well the army guys just came back. saw quite alot of them at orchard n in hc yesteday. junyu n calvin look so cute with thier so short hair. so nice to touch also. hehe

he came back yesterday and we talked on the phone last night. things seem kinda different, can feel tt the frequency has dipped abit...perhaps it's because he's really tired and don't seem to be concentrating on the conversation or it's simply because we have lost the frequency. then we don't seem to be able to talk about much things cos our lifestyle is very different now. his topic will be on army while mine will be about work and driving. we live in a different world. how to maintain this kinda relationship? i do enjoy hearing about army life but i will never be able to sense and understand his life and vice versa.

oh yah, i asked zibin how did he and michelle got together. he said tt michelle said how will they know if they don't try. it's so true...but i feel tt if the chance of breaking up if like 90% then sld just save the trouble of being heartbroken by not venturing into the relationship in the first place. maybe it's because i have been bitten twice and thrice shy, therefore i'm really afraid to put my whole feet into the water.

i'm really quite confused. i really need to stop liking him. i feel so stupid to even think that there's a 50% chance that he does like me. perhaps it's the way tt he talks...the subtle buaya way that gave me the false impression. i really don't know whether he feels anything for me. Actually i don't like him as much as last week anymore but i'm scared when he returns to camp the whole episode will repeat itself and i will start to miss him again. I don't enjoy the pain of thinking of him. i have to get myself out of this mess. i just have to enjoy the time with him while he's still around. after he boot in again this time, i must realyl force myself to stop liking him. chwan told me tt he could not stand the pain of liking his best friend that he decided to severe all ties with her. i'm afraid i might have to do that just so that i can get over him. but i really don't want to lose the friendship.i should just be hard-hearted and adopt the na de qi, fang de xia policy. but it's so cruel to do that. moreover it's so unfair to him cos he did not do anything and i'm purposely spoiling the friendship. how come i don't face this problem when i was close to boaz...maybe we were really so close and he's quite mean to me then i never fall for him.

i must take things slowly as they come. i wish we will have a chance to talk about it but i won't be the one to initiate. he's quite passive also so he might not be the one to bring it up. moreover, if he dosen feel anything, why would he bring it up in the first place? i think i'm so thick-skinned man to even think that he feels anything for me. after he goes back in this time..the friendship might not be there anymore if i decide to adopt the hard-hearted way of severing contacts with him. i can't bring myself to do it. mayeb the feelings might fade off by itself. i only hope so.