this will be my third and final blog. writing in a blog is a waste of time. don't like to expose my feelings to the whole world either. one day, i might allow others to access this blog though. sigh don't feel like writing much. today i went for 2 driving lessons...quite tiring though. i'm progressing quite fast according to the instructor but then again, no pt learning so fast if i don't pass the test in the end. i wonder how do pple drive for miles. i talked to yeli for the first time at the driving centre. hmm it's wierd tt u end up talking to pple tt u don't usually talk to in sch after leave sch. met this 79 girl also during one of the theory class and ended up knowing each other. haha. sch life is so much more pure. the outside world sucks.

he din msg me again. anyway i kinda thought things through liao. i have decided to stop liking him. we wil stay best as very very good friends but nothing more than that. there's a reason why i choose not to like some guys. it has got nothing to do with him or the past relationships or ns. it's just tt compatibility in a certain area is very important to me. it's not his fault tt we aren't compatible in tt area. nothing can change tt. i wasen compatible to sherman and joseph in tt area too. as for him, we are even more not compatible in tt area...

i only hope tt we can and will remain close friends. he's really someone who treasure things and pple. he's like the only guy who writes notes to pple. i still rem the bday card he sent me on my bday. it was really a very sweet gesture. he's a really sweet guy. i have never seen a guy who treasures friendships as much as he does. he feels but yet, he's not very snaggish.

this marks the end of my blog...

still rem this quote: don't cry if u meet someone and he cannot stay, just be glad tt he crossed ur life..even if it's for a short while...

The time now is 12.25am,24th jan Fri. Hm...starting a blog is getting quite tiring but anyway i won't be able to write here for the next 2 nights. nobody knows about this blog yet. so far only gillian knows tt i have a blog but she dosen know the addy. i don't intend to tell anyone about the addy at the present. maybe one fine day, i might allow a few to take a peek here.

alright, sat is Orientation Hike. I still rem being the OH in-charge with lewis last year. It was a really different and interesting experience for me. Through the preparaion for OH, i managed to be more confident. I put in quite alot of effort for OH but i know the rest of the pple don't think so. I still remember i was so mentally tired after OH that i kinda broke down and cried on the folowwing monday. it was the first period and xiayi was sitting besides me, asking me about OH. i duuno why but i kinda cried. i just felt so emotionally drained, partly cos the burden of OH is over and partly cos joseph and i were not getting on very well then. So in a way, OH does mean quite alot to me. I can't wait to go back as a senior and simply relax and think back on my past 2 OHs.

Today was quite a tiring day for me. My p5 student was quite disobedient today. During work, suyi told me tt she's going to quite the job. Sigh. After she quit, there won;t be any companion in the restaurant anymore. i can't wait to finish my driving lessons so tt i can get a proper 9-5 job where i can earn more. tmr i'm going to pia 2 lessons in one day. it's madness but i din manage to go down today so just pia loh. i met some of my sales collegue on the mrt train today. they tried to get me to buy the watch but hehe i didn't cos the watches aren't tt nice.

Tonight he didn't msg me. Hm..duuno why also. i thought he would msg me but perhaps he wasen able to. I really want to stop liking him but it's not tt easy. absence makes the heart fonder. The only way tt i can forget about him is to think of his bad points and use the bad points to think tt he is not tt great a guy. i also have to cut of all forms of contact with him in orfer to forget. maybe i can try and work on the his bad point tt he will be too passive for a guy. but i can't bring myself to ignore him totally. it's too cruel especially when we just only became close. anyway..i really want someone who is older and more mature. someone who will be like a big brother to me, who will take good care of me and treat me like a lady. In the past 2 relationships, i have always felt more mature and older.

Today i received his postcard and the photo. i was supposed to msg him to tell him tt i got his mail but i didn't msg him. i was thinking if he didn't msg me, it may mean tt he can't use the phone or he don't feel like msging or he's too tired to msg. i hope tt it's the first reason. hmm eugene looks so super cute in the photo. eugene has been a mere eye-candy ever since the first week of sch in j1. haha. but i don't and will never like him. yah, got the postcard then realised tt i wrote him my letter to him at the same time and night as him when he wrote the postcard to me. hehe

anyway, i'm quite tired now. i have 2 driving slots tmr. i really want to try and forget about him. it feels so awful to like someone while he's so far away. maybe in life, certain things are just not meant to be....

This is my second blog..hope i will keep writing in it and not enter one entry and proclaim the blog dead like last time. I don't really know why i am starting this blog, maybe cos i don't anyone to tell my feelings to.
It's 1.05 am 23th jan now but i still consider now as 22nd jan. Today was a bad day, i had food poisioning and spent the whole time vomitting and resting. However, today was also the first day when i took the car out to the road. At one point of time, i was travelling at 70 km/hr...real shiok! it's not exactly allowed cos i'm still learning but the speed limit for the road is 70! hmm...he msged me just now at 10.30pm, saying he's v sian and no time so he can't call me. Hmm, i was actually waiting for him to call. He sounded really sian in the msg. I feel quite sad for those pple in army. We girls will never understand how they feel. YLTC in j1 was bad enough, i can't imagine how NS will be like. I just hope tt everyone is fine. Even the usual hyper junyu can say he's tired when he msged gillian.
I really hope tt whatever it is, the guys will get used to the lifestyle and take good care of themselves.
I wished joseph bye and take care just now on icq, i didn't want to actually. But since i wished some others also, may as well do the same thing. I don't know..anything can happen in army. The guys are going to change and mature and choy, they might be injured and lose their life or sth. It's still best to know tt at least i have wished them sth nice before they embark in a new chapter of their life.

hmm...it's 1.20pm now. I'm seldom online at this hour this year. In the past, i used to talk to him online until this wee hour but not anymore this year cos we talk on the phone. Hmm, it's quite ironical tt i'm online when he's not around to talk to me anymore. I went out with him on tues, the day before he went in. We went kenny rogers to eat and i treated him. it's sorta like a sending off thing. After tt we walked to esplanade and explored tt place. We met quite a few wierd pple at the library. Hm..that place is really too cultured for me.hehe. After tt we walked to one fullerton where the dear merlion is, sat down there and look at the tourists. Then it started to rain and we walked to the padang tt side. Basically we passed by the cavenage bridge, the padang, world war 1 memoerial, tan kimseng memorial. Hm..sounds like we are tourists right..exploring these places. =) We took a bus to meridien hotel and ended up playing a game of pool. i won him! haha! After tt i walked him half-way to his bus-stop cos i had to go work. Hm..we sorta parted at the penang road open space. i shook his hand and wished him all the best. hmm...i felt really sian when i went to work. actually i was quite sad. i really don't know why.

Hm..but i realised actually tt i fell for him unknowingly. Actually we started to talk at night on the phone after the As and talked alot after the class chalet. We grew quite close but i always feel tt he won't fall for me and i won't fall for him. period. All the time, i always treat him my veryvery good guy friend. It;s really difficult for me to fall for anyone cos i had been hurt in the same way twice before. Also, i told myself tt i won't fall for a guy who is goign army cos army is really a big obstacle. Also, the fact tt he's the same age matters. I'm not trying to be like so systematic regarding matters of the heart but 2 past relationships with someone of the same age(younger in fact accordign to birth months) had kinda made me reluctant to go with someone of the same age. Moreover, i always think this scenerio will happen- a girl waited for a guy while he serves army, after he goes uni, he dumps her for better girls. i fear this scenerio will happen if we do get together.

I think tt it's really impossible for a girl and guy to be close without falling for the other person at some point of time. At a point, chemistry will result and one will unknowingly fall for the other, even if it is for a short while. All along, i always felt nothing for and from him. He's a subtle buaya. In fact during class chalet tt time, i told gil tt i will never fall for him cos he's a sutble buaya. i'm wierd right?
But after the class chalet, we talked alot on the phone and msged each other alot also. We went out for the second time on tuesday and i duuno why but i realised i fell for him unconsciously. When he was available, i only felt nice and comfortabel talking to him but no special feelings. i'm just the type of pple who dosen know how to treasure pple until they are gone. SIGH.
Right now, i'm trying to stop liking him. The friendship is much more important. I'm scared to go into a relationship with him. He's a nice guy but i'm just scared. I want my next relationship to work out well. i'm scared tt if it ends the same way as before, i won't have any more confidence to enter a new one anymore. By then i will have to live the rest of my life as a nun. Also, what happens if we break up half way, the feeling won't be the same anymore and our friendship will be gone.

I don't know how he feels about me. All along my mentality is tt he dosen like me and i don't like him, we are just very good friends. period. but i realised today tt he did asked me before like whether i think it's possible tt a girl and guy are friends and they get attached when he enters army. my reply was yes cos zibin and his gf were like tt. i'm not sure if his icq info means anything also. But then again, he told gillian tt he's quite sure tt 99% we will be friends. so right now, i better stop developing one-sided liking for him and climb out of the well before i sink in any longer. but it's not as easy as i always thought it would be. i still remember telling millie on new year's day to just stop liking justin and to withdraw her feelings before she sinks in anymore. she said it's not easy and i said tt it's easy for me to withdraw my feelings. but then again, i didn't like him then.

Hmm..I really want to stop liking him cos i don't want to be heart-broken. one-sided feelings are terrible, u feel crushed but nothing compares to being hurt twice in the same manner.

it's almost 2 am liao...time to sleep. my stomach still feels funny from the food poisoning.